It's not always good to be listened... believe me!

Have you ever had the experience of someone paying close, respectful atttention as you spoke - hanging onto your every word? Did it not make you feel special and valued, as if your opinion mattered?

People want to feel that way, whether they are in position of authority or not. So they appreciate those who truly listen to them. I am among them.

Few years ago, I met a guy named S who always gave appealing look every time he passes through my shop at Bhotahity Galli. Me and my friend M noticed this and matter of factly, we jumped to the conclusion that this guy must be a gay or else must be a carzy jerk. Otherwise in lieu of looking and admiring an opposite gender, he's more into looking at the same gender.

This continued until one day when he came to my shop, asking the price of shoes - a lame excuse, of course! to come near me - I knew...

Although I and M had slightest idea about his sexual status, the way he speak made me feel more accurate on our earlier assumption. He spoke to me in a manner that is very girlish and no body could have simply avoided. He started coming daily and notably my neighbours next door would always stare at us. At some point I thought they must have been thinking me as THAT way too. It can be seen into their eyes that they're very supicious over me.

Well... relation kept growing and till that point nothing had happened and I took him for granted and I felt his presence left no further visible effect on peoples around us. Everyone returned back to their own respective occupied businesses.

He would then talk to me like if we're meant to be a very best friends or more than that. I trusted him and appreciated like no others when I realised that he's listening to every words that's coming out of my mouth. His open-ended and occassional close-ended questions were the proofs to that that he valued me more than anything else and he would suggest me like if he's always ready to give me his shoulder to lean when situation go thin for me.

This continued for few more weeks. M, however was not satisfied with the ship I boarded in and he would always suggest me to come out of it. At some point he thought he'd magic spelled on me.

One morning S came and asked me for dinner together that night. My suspicion towards S then revived again and I just closed my shop hours earlier than the usual time that day and headed to an apartment at Kwabahal, Thamel.

To my surprise, S was standing right before the door when I rush opened the door hearing someone's knock from outside. I'm just shocked and my mouth remained wide open. M and I were about to have our dinner when this guy arrived but he didn't listen to me, he insisted me untill I agreed and took me along with him to Yin Yang restaurant where we'd a date with Martin [who's a owner of Yin Yang].

I had my bike with me so that we can drive to anywhere we wanted to. We had a nice chat with Martin, who's a citizen of switzerland, I learnt it later. Actually S had a nice chat with Martin and I was just nodding and ocassionally shaking my head when asked about something because then I didn't have adequate knowledge in practical english. The chatting began to be more interesting with each sip of red wine and highly nutrient dishes. A big red lobster soup is one among them, to be precise.

Time advanced to midnight and one.. two and I wanted to return to my apartment just nearby but since he's all alone and no vehicle to return, and also because of his too much insistence I drove off to Balaju where his apartment was situated. Along the way he started showing his true colors.

In fact, he started showing his true colors when he asked me what I felt about homosexuals or gays in the restaurant. For which, I just replied, "they are humans like us, they too have purpose in life like us. So, being a human being I do not have any disrespect for other human being." With my this reply, he was darn happy, I could see the smile wrinkles across his face.

Then what crossed my mind was the thought possibly could have been running through his mind. He might have thought that after all, all the energies that he'd spent over me was just worth it.

On the other hand ... its me who's just scared of the thought of whether I'm going to be raped by my own gender. To my shock, it didn't took long time from turning my fear into reality.

I was fully intoxicated like him, he just kept insisting me to slide down my pant. When I didn't, he did it himself and ate me. That was the worst experience of my life.

Some time later again I met him on my way to shop and he told me that he's attending to a meditation programme of which I was less bothered about but then didn't made any delay on saying it that was the very sane decision you've made ever and we are seperated and he's never seen again.

After that incident, it's rather very easy for me to identify the gays walking down the streets of Kathmandu valley but there always come this question in my mind that why gays always make it to sex. Why couldn't there be something other than sex.

Gay fellows, I am sorry to say this but this way you are isolating yourself from normal society. The future is bleak for gays, at least in our Nepali society because it's just a taboo.

Anyways, it just left me with a guilt and a fear in coming days - fear that raised lots of questions - questions about my gender [ppl might have thought even I was gay], my social position and so many things. I was very much frustrated and couldn't help telling it to selective good friends inorder to get consultation and I was just convinced that I was framed in a way where no body could have escaped befrending a guy/gay like S.

Coming to the point, it is good to be listened and it is also good for your knowldege if you can listen but don't always listen to every one and don't let them listen to you always, too because it is just not worth it sometime.The best course of action could be, learn to be a good listener. This is the basic but also try being a pragmatic rather than following one specific idea.

I hope I am not opening Pandora's box here by narrating this.